In reflecting on the main themes that emerged during my coaching conversations with leaders during 2025, I realised it all boiled down to “self-leadership”.
This is not a term that specifically came up in the conversations per se as I’m not really one who likes to put labels on processes. In using the term here I’m also not referring to a specific definition of “self-leadership” of whom there are many. Some of my ideas do overlap with what is available in the academic – and popular literature online, but that I only realised after the fact. The insight didn’t emerge from that space. The thinking centre was not the birth ground (meaning I didn’t read about it and thought that I need to apply it). It arose through the presence in the relational field, the hundreds of hours of conversations, with other human beings. An alchemy of hearts beating, bodies breathing, emotions arising and passing away as we explore the through line between the words.
What is leadership? Is a question I often get asked, from managers across the globe, on the five-month leadership training programme that I facilitate and coach on. I usually answer it with another question such as: What does leadership mean to you? How do you experience leadership? How do you know when you are leading? From there the vast landscape of leadership opens up spanning through generations, cultures, values, personalities, social identities into the horizon of an idealised vision. However, it usually brings us back to the challenging reality of being a leader in practice.
- How do I have a conversation about underperformance wherein I balance empathy with technical quality of work?
- How do I lead people through change if my own job is not secure and I also feel overwhelmed by uncertainty?
- How do I motivate my team without the possibility of a salary increase or career progression?
- How do I lead with integrity if I disagree with the leadership of top management?
- How can I lead change in a toxic culture where people are difficult?
All valid questions that can easily evoke more anxiety if you can’t stay grounded and present in the conversations. Because we all know a title doesn’t make you a leader.
For me leadership start with self. You can only lead others if you can lead yourself. Usually genuine leadership happen without you having to think “I’m leading” but through your authentic way of being in the world. Everybody can be a leader and also need to lead the self.
“To lead the self is to consciously grant yourself permission to be the full, agentic human you already are and can yet become.” – Aviv Shahar
Let me get to the point, as the post is getting long and I’m aware people don’t have time to read long posts anymore (another topic I will be writing about in the future but let me not get derailed). In essence self-leadership consist for me of the following elements:
Self-leadership is not about becoming a “god” or superhuman. Showing how much you can do on your own. It is rather about allowing the divine, life force, to flow through you to where it is needed. Whether it is in the workplace, a conversation with a “difficult “staff member or with your neighbour. Self-leadership is the first step of service, of showing up to meet the challenges that humankind is facing.
“A self-initiated, self-arising, self-authoring generation – committed to healing and refinement work – is essential for unlocking the higher potential of the transformative shift underway.” Aviv Shahar
Let me get to the point, as the post is getting long and I’m aware people don’t have time to read long posts anymore (another topic I will be writing about in the future but let me not get derailed). In essence self-leadership consist for me of the following elements:
- Direction: Being clear on your commitment and purpose.
- You can’t lead if you don’t know what you are orientating your life around?
- Grounding: Self-regulation of emotions and sensations.
- Doing daily practices to build your capacity to stay connected to your body amidst discomfort and be with emotions without it overtaking you.
- Relating: Embracing and inclusion of diversity
- Being curious about others and building genuine relationship from a place of care (not to get something out of it).
- Power: Asserting and Influencing
- Understanding your relationship to power and what tends to overpower you. In changing the dynamics of power to something that is outside, that you need to managing, to accessing the power within you are more able to assert your opinion and influence others.
- Allowing: Balance between control and surrendering
- Knowing when it is time to let go, when you’ve done what is within your control or influence.
- Humility: Sincerely accepting that you don’t know everything and willing to serve.
- Being able to acknowledge what you don’t know and accepting your own humaneness.
Self-leadership is not about becoming a “god” or superhuman. Showing how much you can do on your own. It is rather about allowing the divine, life force, to flow through you to where it is needed. Whether it is in the workplace, a conversation with a “difficult “staff member or with your neighbour. Self-leadership is the first step of service, of showing up to meet the challenges that humankind is facing.